Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Blank Page


My mind has gone blank.

So much to say and share but my voice is quietly protesting.


The cursor just blinks patiently as I open up the laptop, wanting to write but nothing comes out.

Is my voice shy? Tired? Bored? Protesting against frivolity?

Maybe she needed a bit of time out?

A holiday away from Whoa Mamma Land?

Maybe my voice said: "Ssh! Listen. You hear that? That's the sound of your family needing your presence, the greatest gift you can ever give them. Stop checking in on Facebook before kissing them good morning. Stop trying to take the perfect pic to post on Instagram and just ENJOY the moment. It will never come again".

Oh, the irony!

When life is in a frenzy, that's when my voice is the loudest. I would blog on the run,  while cooking dinner, I'd wake in the middle of the night. Whenever the inspiration would hit, I'd take a 'Mamma Time Out' and charge at the laptop.

Now, life is quieter, things are falling into place. There is a contentness and a serenity to the rhythm of my life, which is wonderful, but also scary, in a way.

The New Year is fast approaching. It will bring about great life changes.

An exciting new business venture for darling Le Husband; opening a restaurant! Hurrah!

The New Year will also see my baby girl joining her bigger sisters and heading off to school.

I often jokingly rub my hands with glee when speaking about my baby going to school.
But the truth is, I'm sad.
It's the end of an era.

For years (6.8 to be exact) I have pondered what it would be like to have all 3 kids at school.
To have FREE TIME.
It's been so long, I don't know what to do with it.

Return to work? What work? Panic sets in when I think about it.

Something I've been yearning for for so long, but it's terrifying me.

You see, I need a purpose.

My last 6.8 years have been dedicated to staying home and raising my children.
That was my choice, that gave me a sense of purpose.
Now, there is a slot of time that I can Dedicate To Me and I'm panicking.

What to do with this precious time?
Work, study, relax, clean, volunteer, work from home?
Sometimes I feel I need to validate my time. Crazy, yes? No?
I don't know where to start.
I'm going blank.

I've loved being a Stay At Home Mamma (well, not every minute of it, to be quite honest, but every other minute). It's become such a great big part of who I am, that sometimes I'm not sure who I am without it.

Can I still be a Stay At Home Mamma even when the kids are at school?

The new era is a Blank Page and the cursor is patiently blinking.

The Blank Page is Me.

What am I going to write on that page? 
I'm the author and the editor. 
The main character, the star of my show. 

I'd rather fill that page (and my life) with inspirational triumphs over tragedies, panty-wetting laughter over self-indulgent tears, and swoonworthy/butterflies-in-tummy romance over not-worth-wasting-my-breath drama. I want to fill that page with adventures and engage with wonderfully inspiring and creative characters that add colour and passion to my life. 

I want to turn that Blank Page into such an engrossing novel that I just never want to put it down.

Well... I guess my voice had something to say afterall...

P.S What do you think of this ending:

"And she lived Happily Ever After"

What do you do when your voice goes quiet?

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